I don't know how in the world to write an entry with all that's gone on but we all know what's happened and those of you who weren't present get to hear me speak again and maybe I sound like a broken record, or something or other that I can't describe and I know all of you are smart strong people and probably know that you should be doing this...

Kate and her family need all the help they need right now and you guys know or may need a refresher that I'm speaking from a terrible experience. Don't be afraid to talk to her. I don't want her to end up like me. She's got a loving family and all of them deserve better than what I got. Look at what's become of me, I'm a mess. My dad's a mess. Everything is a mess here at home...with my life. Everything.

I was abandoned by everyone 5 yrs ago when everything happened....then again, I was a loner. When I got all those hugs and saw all these people suddenly caring for me, it was like I had been blessed or something. I felt so happy. But it only lasted a day and it was back to me being a loner. I got nothing after that. I kept everything inside and talked to no one. The only person who was ever there for me at school was my Science teacher.

Since then, my life has continued to spiral downwards. The first thing I was ever told since then was to "Get over it". I keep getting told what a strong person I am. Mum's friend says to me that it's incredible that I've been able to cope and walk on this far. For me, it'll be a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long road to whenever I recover. I suspect I might be in my 30s by the time I'm no longer feeling like I have been the last 5 yrs. Maybe by then I will realize that the mask I've been wearing all this time has got to come off. Maybe with some luck it'll be when I'm in my 20s.

God.

I feel like a greedy bum. It sounds like I'm all "me me me me, please help me" when really, I shouldn't be detracting attention from what's happened. I feel guilty. I don't know if I should or shouldn't but I feel guilty. Part of me wants to be like "Please, get on with helping Kate and ignore me" and part of me wants otherwise. Part of me even feels jealous. I don't want to feel jealous but I am. Part of me feels like an intruder...like I shouldn't be involved at all or showing anything like this, part of me doesn't.

I miss mum. I miss her alot. Not a day goes by where I wonder why did she deserve it, why did she have to get the one disease I thought she would never get.

It's been coming in waves since yesterday. One moment I feel...relatively okay, next it's as if all I want to do is cry but I can't as it recedes and then it comes back. I want to go and bawl like there's no tomorrow but my dad's always home. Anything I say to him is considered a lie.

Bloody hell.

In other news, I feel terribly ill and have lost my appetite.

Perhaps I'll re-read this tomorrow and wonder whatever the hell was wrong with me and delete it....or pretend like I never typed it up. I'm sorry you guys had to read through this. I'm sorry I'm such a greedy bum. All I've done is talk about nothing but "me me me me me me". I'm a bloody idiot.

I'm honestly sorry.