So, it's been 7 months...

And granted mark wise, the first semester was a complete bomb-drop and my second semester being critical to my not being probated, I for some odd reason don't feel like I should be here.

Don't get me wrong, I love my auntie M to bits, I like living here. She makes the greatest food and we bake--She's awesome, my cousin (1st) and his girlfriend tell me what a knowledgeable person she is and how when growing up, they wish they had her to help guide them. Hell, I've had mum's friends tell me similar and my half-brother in BC who's never met her. And she's knowledgeable in her field--held a top (permanent) position at the UofO for YEARS, done all sorts of work in the field of psychology, all the workshops students in all fields paid to attend and that she hosted, all the people she's baffled and impressed and all the barriers she overcame (discrimination and racism namely throughout Canada--my whole family endured it.) to get where she got to; it's insane.

I'll be honest, and don't all of you in Ottawa take it the wrong way, but I came out East to not only try to get as close enough back to Montréal, I wanted to start anew and without anyone from Calgary. I wanted to make new friends (or try) and just forget what happened in Calgary--the crap, the deaths, the never-ending stresses and anxieties that city gives me non-stop (don't tell me otherwise) the drama, grad (and especially grad). I'm sure others whom we didn't expect to see here were half-hoping the same way.

I honestly didn't think that over a good chunk of the graduating class wanted to leave (excluding those who won scholarships). Thought (my moment d'ignorance) that most would've stayed, but apparently (and I've spoken with two alumni from Calgary both in 4th year here) this year is the most that either have seen/heard of students from Alberta making a mass exodus for other universities outside the province.

I'm going to give staying here some deep deep thought. Maybe I'll stay all the way to 4th year. Who knows. I've found that I have had a hard time keeping up with the demand of university--all the homework, the papers, the readings...it seems everyone else is taking it in stride (Unless some are lying which is entirely possible; People tend to wear a different mask all the time when around certain people...learned that from a SOC 1501 lecture). Well, I'm definitely not. And I won't lie about it--I've done good on my papers and essays (usually getting a B or C) and failed one midterm while barely passing another. That's better than last semester. I'm not at all caught up on my readings either.

As for the alternative university? Concordia or, if it's even possible (which I doubt), McGill.

I think I haven't gotten proper sleep since August. I fall asleep now at 3 or 4am now, wake up at 10 or don't get out of bed until 1pm. This is all thanks of course to poor time management, starting things at the last minute, jetlag and this new daylight savings time thing.

Anyways, I'm going to work on bringing my CGPA to a B so that I can go to France on exchange for a year. I just need somewhere new and be "on my own" in the sense that I can honestly look at myself and say "I've gone my own way, not following anyone and no one's following me". I've got a tendency to wait for others' "permission" before I do things on my own--like this year's Youth World Cup. I want to go, but I'm basing my decision on whether or not others go---I hate that.

Speaking of France, there's Lyon. Oh, I grinned like a fool when I got the email announcing that there was a 1-month exchange planned. I would love to go to Lyon this summer. I would. We'll see how that goes.

And yes, as you read earlier, I am close to being probated if I don't do well this semester. Not a lot know this, my aunt does, my brother suspects...and you lot know. Family friends in Montréal don't know for a very good reason. Granted I didn't enter university with this mindset, whoever claimed you had more freedom, could do whatever you wanted, and/or (usually and) that university was easy and all you had to do wasn't much but read, do the homework etc. should be, without shame, be hit over the head. Oh the lies I hear from people. It makes me cringe inside and want to shake my head.

Then again, thinking about the probation...I nearly failed grade 8 and 9. There was good reason though, but still all the below 50% marks and marks in the 40%s are on my final report card for grade 8. Failed some classes in High School too. Got yelled at by a member of administration in plain view of other co-workers and a guidance counsellor. So, in an odd way, I've been down this road before.

Finally, I don't think there's anything different from how things were in Calgary. I mean, personal habits haven't changed. I stay home on Saturdays and weekends and try and do homework (which never happens)--maybe go out to South Keys and bum around Michaels and think of what to spend my 40% coupon on once in a while, or hole myself in the library, but nothing different from in Calgary. I mean, for one, I still know that I'll still have a liver when I'm older thank goodness.

Anyway, I'm not being emo I don't think. Just thoughtful and pensive (and I suppose truthful? If you can call it that?) of the way things are at the moment.